Be nice to your spouse!

For a long time, I've had this life rule when it comes to my interactions with my husband.

Be nice.

Maybe it seems overly simplified? Well that seems to work for me. Perhaps you can relate. It helps me when big concepts can be boiled down to 5 words or less. I like things to be clear - leaving no room for interpretation. I think that's partly my personality preference, but I also think getting to the heart of the matter works for everyone. It's hard to argue with - BE NICE - at least for me. I can't think of any reasons not to follow those directions in every area of my life.

Sadly, I think that when you're in such an intimate relationship as a marriage - being nice can end up pretty low on the list of priorities. We can forget to be as nice to our spouses as we are to other people! It was when Jonathan and I were dating (you can read about our story here) that I started practicing the subtle art of being nice to him. It's hard to explain since I don't remember the exact details but it was like a light bulb went off for me one day. Maybe I said something harsh to him and then something sweet to an acquaintance and the contrast shocked me into an epiphany? I'm not sure, but all of the sudden I asked myself - why am I nicer to someone I barely know than to the guy I'm in love with?

I realized that this dude that I'm with is still just a person. I realized then that sometimes the things I said to him I would never say to an acquaintance - for fear of them not liking me anymore! This goes all the way back to the playground. If you want to have friends, be nice to them. I may know him better than anyone, I may have my feelings, hopes and dreams invested in our relationship more than any other, but he still deserves for me to simply be nice to him. Often I would let my (sometimes overly invested) emotions cloud my judgment when speaking to him. I'd let an accusation slip out during a heated moment and then I'd remember, I know this guy pretty well, but in the end I can't assume to know what he's thinking or what his motivations are. I'd have this idea (assumption) in my head of why he did this or that and it would put me on the attack. This leads me to another life rule that goes hand in hand with the 'be nice' rule.

Don't assume the worst.

This is not only a life rule for me, but it's also a relationship rule in my marriage. Jonathan and I even wrote it into our vows. It works like this - when examining your spouses actions or words do not automatically assume that their intentions were to inflict a wound or take a jab at you. Try to find another explanation like - forgetfulness, fatigue, being rushed, etc. and then ASK them what their motivations were. Don't assume you know, because you really don't. Try not vilify your spouse or create an enemy of them in your mind. If you walk into a conversation with your spouse cast as the villain, you're gonna end up being the ridiculous one and your spouse will be thinking "I didn't take out the garbage because I forgot, not because I don't respect you, that's crazy!"

I read this book once, it's meant specifically for wives, but I think this one part can apply to husbands too. This book talks about practicing good thoughts about your spouse in your head. Instead of telling yourself over and over, 100 times, when you're feeling frustrated - that you have an ungrateful, careless, lazy spouse - practice saying nice things about them instead. Matthew 12:34 reminds us that "What fills the heart comes out of the mouth". My challenge to anyone who is married is to fill your heart with assumptions of the goodness of your spouse, and positive things about them. That way, when stuff is comin' out ya mouth, it'll be  all the good and positive stuff you've been practicing! Give your spouse a chance to explain actions or deeds that may have hurt you. Who knows, maybe you'll save yourself a fight or 2, or 100?