Trusting God with your story
This piece is about letting God use the hard things you've been through for good and releasing your story into His hands.
When I talk about 'trusting God with my story', I'm referring partly to losing my father. You can read more about his story here. In that piece I share about how my biological father died, and a little about how it made me feel. In this piece I want to talk about the 'afterwards' part - the collateral damage.
I was angry sometimes after my father died about what people would say when they found out that he'd committed suicide. I think in an effort to ease the tension of talking about suicide (because it isn't easy), people would sometimes use the phrase "everything happens for a reason". To be frank - hearing this in reference to my father's death brought me no comfort or peace and it really pissed me off. Maybe I shouldn't have felt this way. But it made feel like his death was being made light of. As if his death was going to teach me some neat little lesson about perseverance or something. I would have gladly traded an infinite number of these trite little "lessons" for more time with my dad.
I didn't want any good to come from his death. I couldn't live with that. I did not and still do not believe that my dad died for any other reason than that he chose to end his life. That is it. He made a decision. I refuse to subscribe to the belief that bad things in life happen for any other reason then that we live in a broken and sinful world where people make decisions that sometimes lead to really tough consequences. Sometimes those consequences reach beyond just the person that caused them in the first place; creating brokenness and dysfunction.
*I'm choosing intentionally not to try and unpack my father's reasons for taking his own life here. I'm just talking about my own feelings - mostly because it isn't helpful for my personal grieving process to try to understand his mindset in the last moments of his life. I don't believe anyone can accurately interpret another human being's thoughts, and I have no interest in trying to do so when it comes to my father and his decision.
Anyways moving on, I was angry when people would say to me or think that my dad's death happened for some yet to be revealed 'good' reason. And for a long time I was convinced that nothing good could come from my dad's death. In fact I was deeply offended that anyone could ever think that or say that to me. To me, it was a bad thing that shouldn't have happened and it always would be. Believe me, I mostly still feel this way. But something changed for me that forced me to reframe how I felt about my dad's story and how I would allow this piece of it to alter and effect my life. This change wasn't something that came easily to me. I walked (and am still currently walking) into this change stubbornly and with much reluctance.
In this post I talk about forgiving my dad and the impact that it had on my grieving process. Well, forgiving my dad also had a profound impact on how I viewed the consequences of his death or the 'afterwards' part. I began to process that I had truly and fully and finally given my dad's death back to the Lord. I'd crucified it on the cross and left it there. It was finished for me. I'm not afraid to admit that I was scared to do this for a long time. I thought that if I gave my dad's death back to the Lord that I'd lose my dad altogether. I didn't want that. I sometimes felt like - if I held onto my unforgiveness and anger that I'd keep part of my Dad with me. In reality, what I felt wasn't a 'part of my Dad' - all it was, was my own anger and unforgiveness towards him. I hadn't accepted yet that he was really and truly gone. But I trusted the Lord anyways and I did it. I forgave my dad, and when I walked away, it wasn't without my dad. I still retained his legacy. Only now, I got to choose what his legacy meant to me. The Lord showed me that now that I had left the ugliness of his suicide behind, I could start to appreciate other things about him again. Not that I deny that his death happened the way it did or that it wasn't difficult, its just that, now his death wasn't all that he meant to me.
Something that I did walk away without however, was most of my reluctance to give my story to the Lord as well. Now that I'd given my dad's death back, I found it was much easier for me to give the consequences, the collateral damage turned to testimony, to the Lord as well. I wanted to give the Lord this part of my story. I wanted to sacrifice it at the foot of the cross, I wanted to trust God with it, even if it was terrifying. It reminds me of how Abraham took Isaac with him as a sacrifice to the Lord. Abraham did not want to kill his son. Just like I didn't want my testimony about my dad's death to be used for good. But Abraham obeyed the Lord and trusted Him with Isaac.
So I learned to pray this - Lord, this testimony doesn't belong to me. You're the one who moved and changed things. You're the one who's healing my life and heart. You're the one who has saved my relationships while I was going through my grief. You picked me up out of depression, anxiety and doubt. So, if you now mean to do good with what you've done - through me- then I don't want to stop you. Whatever you have in mind, I'm in.
So in the end, nothing good came of my father's death - but rather - good comes from God. He's got His hands on the collateral damage. He's making testimony out of tragedy. He's got His heart set on healing those impacted by this and every heartbreak. And one thing I know for sure, is that He's going to be let me be a part of it too. That is something I can not only live with, but rejoice in.
My hope for anyone who has experienced pain and loss, for anyone who is looking to let God have and use the story, is that you can see the value in the process of healing. That you'd be able to see the beauty in laying down your burden. I also hope that you can have grace and forgiveness for yourself (because the Lord certainly does) as you're figuring all this out because you won't always get it right, and you're not always going to love how you get there.
Psalms 81:6 "I relieved your shoulder of the burden; your hands were freed from the basket. In distress you called, and I delivered you" ESV
When I talk about 'trusting God with my story', I'm referring partly to losing my father. You can read more about his story here. In that piece I share about how my biological father died, and a little about how it made me feel. In this piece I want to talk about the 'afterwards' part - the collateral damage.
I was angry sometimes after my father died about what people would say when they found out that he'd committed suicide. I think in an effort to ease the tension of talking about suicide (because it isn't easy), people would sometimes use the phrase "everything happens for a reason". To be frank - hearing this in reference to my father's death brought me no comfort or peace and it really pissed me off. Maybe I shouldn't have felt this way. But it made feel like his death was being made light of. As if his death was going to teach me some neat little lesson about perseverance or something. I would have gladly traded an infinite number of these trite little "lessons" for more time with my dad.
I didn't want any good to come from his death. I couldn't live with that. I did not and still do not believe that my dad died for any other reason than that he chose to end his life. That is it. He made a decision. I refuse to subscribe to the belief that bad things in life happen for any other reason then that we live in a broken and sinful world where people make decisions that sometimes lead to really tough consequences. Sometimes those consequences reach beyond just the person that caused them in the first place; creating brokenness and dysfunction.
*I'm choosing intentionally not to try and unpack my father's reasons for taking his own life here. I'm just talking about my own feelings - mostly because it isn't helpful for my personal grieving process to try to understand his mindset in the last moments of his life. I don't believe anyone can accurately interpret another human being's thoughts, and I have no interest in trying to do so when it comes to my father and his decision.
Anyways moving on, I was angry when people would say to me or think that my dad's death happened for some yet to be revealed 'good' reason. And for a long time I was convinced that nothing good could come from my dad's death. In fact I was deeply offended that anyone could ever think that or say that to me. To me, it was a bad thing that shouldn't have happened and it always would be. Believe me, I mostly still feel this way. But something changed for me that forced me to reframe how I felt about my dad's story and how I would allow this piece of it to alter and effect my life. This change wasn't something that came easily to me. I walked (and am still currently walking) into this change stubbornly and with much reluctance.
In this post I talk about forgiving my dad and the impact that it had on my grieving process. Well, forgiving my dad also had a profound impact on how I viewed the consequences of his death or the 'afterwards' part. I began to process that I had truly and fully and finally given my dad's death back to the Lord. I'd crucified it on the cross and left it there. It was finished for me. I'm not afraid to admit that I was scared to do this for a long time. I thought that if I gave my dad's death back to the Lord that I'd lose my dad altogether. I didn't want that. I sometimes felt like - if I held onto my unforgiveness and anger that I'd keep part of my Dad with me. In reality, what I felt wasn't a 'part of my Dad' - all it was, was my own anger and unforgiveness towards him. I hadn't accepted yet that he was really and truly gone. But I trusted the Lord anyways and I did it. I forgave my dad, and when I walked away, it wasn't without my dad. I still retained his legacy. Only now, I got to choose what his legacy meant to me. The Lord showed me that now that I had left the ugliness of his suicide behind, I could start to appreciate other things about him again. Not that I deny that his death happened the way it did or that it wasn't difficult, its just that, now his death wasn't all that he meant to me.
Something that I did walk away without however, was most of my reluctance to give my story to the Lord as well. Now that I'd given my dad's death back, I found it was much easier for me to give the consequences, the collateral damage turned to testimony, to the Lord as well. I wanted to give the Lord this part of my story. I wanted to sacrifice it at the foot of the cross, I wanted to trust God with it, even if it was terrifying. It reminds me of how Abraham took Isaac with him as a sacrifice to the Lord. Abraham did not want to kill his son. Just like I didn't want my testimony about my dad's death to be used for good. But Abraham obeyed the Lord and trusted Him with Isaac.
So I learned to pray this - Lord, this testimony doesn't belong to me. You're the one who moved and changed things. You're the one who's healing my life and heart. You're the one who has saved my relationships while I was going through my grief. You picked me up out of depression, anxiety and doubt. So, if you now mean to do good with what you've done - through me- then I don't want to stop you. Whatever you have in mind, I'm in.
So in the end, nothing good came of my father's death - but rather - good comes from God. He's got His hands on the collateral damage. He's making testimony out of tragedy. He's got His heart set on healing those impacted by this and every heartbreak. And one thing I know for sure, is that He's going to be let me be a part of it too. That is something I can not only live with, but rejoice in.
Psalms 81:6 "I relieved your shoulder of the burden; your hands were freed from the basket. In distress you called, and I delivered you" ESV
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