Peace in the Process (Radical Acceptance)

Being at peace with one’s process is essential for healing. You won’t always get it right. You won’t always like how you get there. And you certainly won’t always be comfortable along the way. And if I’m really honest here: I think I can make a pretty compelling argument that says I’ll never be a finished product. Especially when it comes to grief, loss and mourning.


I don’t think I can feel okay about saying "I’m totally 100% at peace with my process". It feels inauthentic and just plain icky. I don’t want to be a liar. So a more apt description would be: I’m continually working on being at peace with my process. And I try to forgive myself for being judge-mental of...myself (clearly I’m an extremely eloquent and talented orator). This process that I’ve described is called radical acceptance. I think the name really does the concept justice. But just in case it doesn’t, let’s break this down. Radical: thoroughgoing or extreme. Acceptance: to agree or assent to. So let’s put this together kids, I’m going to agree, to the extreme. In other words, I’m going to buy in, sell out, and altogether commit to accepting that my process is what it is. I’m not going to try and make it something it shouldn’t be.


This is a concept that I’m really passionate about. After losing my father to suicide, I’ve come to realize how all consuming grief can be. Now I’m not saything grief should always look like this - no - but I am saying that for me, there was a period of life after my dad’s death that was consumed wholly by grief. I felt like my grief was taking too long and was occupying too much of my heart. I was extremely self conscious about it and felt like I needed to disguise how deeply I was still hurting - years - after my dad had passed away. I wanted to change my grief and disguise my mourning. This feeling, caused my grief to be expressed in an unhealthy way. I didn’t know how to deal with the grief itself, let alone the shame I was feeling ABOUT the grief.


Since I am a verbal processor, it ended up looking this way : I was talking WAY too much about WAY too personal of issues with people I did NOT know nearly well enough. I scared people away with my deep/brutal honesty. I didn’t understand at the time that not every detail should be intrusted to every person right away. Though I will say, I had to learn that. I had to go through it so I would know how to do it better for myself in the future.


Here’s where I get to my main point: you’re the only one who you should be worried about being at peace with your process. It isn’t healthy to demand that other people around you radically accept your grieving process. If they WANT to practice radical acceptance - yay for you and them! If not, that’s okay. The point in this is for YOU to be self contained in your acceptance of your own process. And more importantly to understand that there actually is already someone out there who has radically accepted you and who loves every inch of your heart - broken or not.


Isn’t that what we all want, to be fully known and fully understood? I know for me, it was a deep aching and longing of my soul to have someone who understood my pain to come along side me and comfort me. It was terrifying to think about going through this all by myself. Sure I had friends and family who are amazing and supported me to the best of their ability. But here’s the thing: my grief could not and should not have been their priority. That wouldn’t have been healthy. But awesome news for me (and you) my grief (and yours) CAN be someone’s top priority. This person will carry the burden with you and for you if you let them! You may already know who I’m talking about but just in case - I want to be really clear here. I’m talking about Jesus Christ. Savior of the world. The Son of God. He literally told us that he would carry our burdens and bear the cost so we wouldn’t have to. He left the invitation open and even provided the instructions.


So, as you’re looking to start practicing radical acceptance towards yourself and in your grieving process remember that even if you don’t always get it right, the Lord is out there loving you no matter what and radically accepting you.