When people say the wrong thing

People don't always get it right. I know It's true for me personally - I don't always make the perfect decision in every moment. And I hardly ever find myself in the position where I say exactly the right thing. Especially when you add death, loss and grief into the mixture. Things can get intense simply because of the subject matter and then WHAM someone says something that is totally inappropriate or upsetting and you find yourself angry at them or just wanting to retreat.

When this happens, how do we who have lost loved ones cope? How can we deal with this and move on? How can we learn to forgive the people who don't have exactly the right thing to say?

After losing my father to suicide (you can read his story here) I started having some pretty tough conversations. People wanted to know how I was doing, how I was feeling.. etc. what they didn’t realize is that I was going to actually tell them how I felt. These conversations were hardly ever comfortable. Because I was brutally honest (sometimes too much so) people would start to feel nervous and the pressure to try and say something comforting or wise or right. This isn’t a bad thing. I appreciated that people wanted to help. But often times these situations would turn sour and someone would say the wrong thing and I’d feel burdened or worse than before. At the time I didn't realize how much I was contributing to the problem by 'dumping' my feelings onto people. Either way, because people said the wrong things, I began to retreat and isolate myself. I didn't want to have these awkward, upsetting conversations anymore. I became utterly disenchanted with people in general.

Here are some suggestions for how we can make this easier! Hopefully this will help!

1. Know that it’s okay to draw clear boundaries about how much someone can speak into your life and what topics are permissible. 

- It’s perfectly acceptable to say something like "well, that hasn’t really been my experience" or, "it hasn’t been helpful for my personal process to think/talk about ____". These sentences will be an effective yet polite way to draw clear boundaries.

2. It’s okay to tell someone how you honestly feel. Just don’t give your whole philosophy on grief in one conversation. (Speaking from experience here, it freaks people out)

-Perhaps it’d be helpful to try and find a "generic" type answer that stays true to your actual philosophy. I know for me, that wasn’t always satisfying and sometimes felt too close to lying (which I find abhorrent). But after a while it gets easier and you may begin to realize that you feel a little safer, a little bit better when you’re not giving your whole heart to everyone who asks you how you’re doing.

3. Don’t feel bad about choosing to opt out of these conversations every once in a while 

-If someone asks you how you’re dealing with everything when you don’t want to talk about it or maybe you were fine before they asked and now you don’t feel so fine, it’s okay to just say "You know, I’m doing alright. Taking it one day at a time." This is usually enough and the conversation ends.

4. Give yourself grace if having these conversations upsets you

-I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t make you weak to be affected by these conversations. In reality, words are powerful. No matter how many times we may repeat the lesson we learned in the schoolyard about "sticks and stones and bones".

5. Take care of yourself by finding someone who can converse with you about this subject without interjecting their own agenda

-Therapy will usually do the trick here. Maybe just some simple counseling at your local church. Maybe a support group for other’s who’ve gone through something similar. Maybe you just have a really awesome friend or spouse who is a gifted listener. Either way, utilize this precious asset. Just don’t abuse it.

6. Let it roll off your back

-This is definitely easier said than done at first. After a while it gets easier to lump all these experiences together in your mind under the label "Well, at least they tried".

7. Admit that not everyone knows what you're going through

-Chances are the person who said the wrong thing hasn't been through what you have. BUT likewise, you haven't lived through what they have either. You're both ill-equipped to know exactly what to say.  It could be helpful to call that out with something like "Hey, I know this is a hard topic, but thank you for asking".

Finally, forgiveness is always a helpful ingredient. In fact, I believe it's the secret to living the best life you can (more on this here). Start adding a little bit of forgiveness into any conversation that might upset you and I believe you'll find that over time they won't so much anymore.

I'd love to hear how you handle it when people say the wrong thing! Tell me in the comments below.